The Illusion Of Control

Being a high-achiever is a dangerous game.

Typically children of unfair circumstances, we learned to adapt our world to our needs, a valuable skill, indeed.

As we grow older, however, the consequences of not having also learned to adapt ourselves to our world become increasingly dire.

Need proof? Just look at Elon Musk.

The very thing that brings us all the "success" we relish is the same thing that brings us all of our suffering. As we realize this, we fear what happens if we stop trying so hard.

With practice, we soften, giving blossom to a much more nourishing, sustainable, wholesome form of success.

Look back on your life to see — when do the truly great ideas come? For me, they come after a good deep rest — maybe sleep, a weekend in nature, a meditation retreat. Or play. They never appear from grinding, forcing it. We can outsource that mess to AI, now, anyway.

Take a break. You know the "To Do" list will always have a new item. Stop living for this future fantasy when it's all just right. Spoiler alert — it's never coming. Because if we do waste enough peace and energy to control things into perfection, we'll next expand our scope to see whatever bigger is never going to be perfect, recursively. There's always going to be a messy drawer, trash on the side of the street, unpleasant sounds, people mistreating each other, bureaucratic inefficiencies, corrupt politicians. This is the First Noble Truth in Buddhism: there is suffering. Full stop. The only time we have is now, right now. We won't live forever — that's the suffering the bros are trying to control away right now. Can you guess how this one is going to end?

Outside of ourselves, we tend to be hardest on those closest to us, erroneously believing we cannot push them away. And we’ve typically chosen equally wounded people on the other side who have enough shame that they secretly believe they deserve this domination. Until they wake up.

Our practice is taking responsibility, healing together, surrendering into things as they are. Practicing kindness with ourselves, others. Laying down our shields and swords that we’ve used to banish and slice reality to suit our desires.

Emotional maturity is looking at most all people and circumstances and realizing, "I am safe now." We can choose a different way. And it's high time we do, or else...

So how?

Mahatma Gandhi considered the Bhagavad Gita (“The Gita”) his personal guidebook — composed over 2,000 years ago, it is one of the most revered Indian texts. Ralph Waldo Emerson called it “the first of books” and “the voice of an old intelligence.”

Gandhi had it memorized and published his own translation. He said the end of chapter two holds its entire key. This is one of my favorite parts:

You have the right to work, but never to the fruit of work. You should never engage in action for the sake of reward, nor should you long for inaction. Perform work in this world…as a [person] established within [themself] — without selfish attachments, and alike in success and defeat. For yoga is perfect evenness of mind.

Seek refuge in the attitude of detachment and you will amass the wealth of spiritual awareness. Those who are motivated only by desire for the fruits of action are miserable, for they are constantly anxious about the results of what they do. When consciousness is unified, however, all vain anxiety is left behind. There is no cause for worry, whether things go well or ill. Therefore, devote yourself to the disciplines of yoga, for yoga is skill in action.

— Verses 2.47 - 2.50, translation by Eknath Easwaran

Read that again.

Really.

Okay, I'll believe you have now...

Our path is definitely not to give up and become doormats. However. It is also most definitely not try to control or force circumstances, particularly over less powerful beings. Our practice is to take wholesome action, truly unattached to the consequences. Wholesome for the individual, wholesome for the parties involved, wholesome for the world.

I long ago began practicing replacing "controlling" with "affecting" and "allowing". Words matter. They makeup the basis of our thoughts...which make up our actions...which make up who we are.

This practice began for me with my dog, Barkley. It's extra easy because it's more obvious that we don't speak the same language. And our brains are quite different. And it's really important to release that sense of entitled hierarchy. That's a myth our egos have made up to feel special.

Most times when I call Barkley these days, he comes. Sometimes he doesn't 🤷🏻.

When I look really deeply into his eyes, I see myself. I see the same nature that I have inside (oftentimes his is brighter and clearer). The same goes when I look at a tree or the ocean. And I practice this with other humans, in general. Maybe you've experienced this with an infant.

So, what do you think you control in your life? Your company? Your employees? Service workers? Your (business or romantic) partner? Can you see how the illusion of control precludes getting what you truly want? It's not that silly outcome we actually want. It's not money. It's not power. It's definitely not being right. Underneath it all, what we all really want is the basic things — love, belonging, acceptance, connection, peace, meaning, joy...happiness.

Here, maybe it's easier to recognize this way...

What happens when you try to force yourself to sleep? To find a still mind in meditation? If you have trouble with either of these, it's a clear sign that you're trying to control too much in life.

It's all the same. There's just less delusion with things like sleep and meditation.

Instead, what if you try affecting and allowing things?

Hint: start with sleep and meditation.

The alcoholics have this dialed in — "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

There's a good reason it's recited at every AA meeting.

For most leaders I've come across, we're heavy on the courage to change the wrong things, light on the courage to change the truly important things (like saying 'no' to whomever it is who hurt us as children), and extra light on the serenity to accept.

May we soften, breathe into the discomfort...into the way things are, into our own true selves, into (our) nature. May we heal. May we find a gentle strength underneath. May we apply it appropriately.

As we let go of wanting and not wanting things so damn desperately, we move beyond that truth of suffering with the Fourth Noble Truth — the path to end suffering.

Let's be the change we want to see in this world, before it’s too late.