The ‘How’ Is As Important As The ‘What’ In Self-Care

Ying Li effortlessly defeats Xu Wenwu in Marvel’s Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

Gentleness is key. Can you ease up a little?

Forcing oneself to exercise, meditate, or let go, can be harmful. The same goes if the motivation for these actions is fixing or improving something that feels broken inside or trying to avoid an unpleasant state, like anxiety. Or engaging with an attitude of rigidity, firmness. These are actually all forms of self- judgment and criticism, inner resistance. They’re adaptive short-term survival strategies that when employed over the long-term breed chronic stress, inflammation, and disease.

This is not the way 🙃.

Conversely, enjoying kicking your feet up on the couch and watching a funny, lighthearted TV show motivated by self-love can be really skillful. An episode of Murderville has been my flavor of choice for the last week or so 🤣.

In 2008, Leasure & Jones showed that forced running in rats raises stress and impairs cognitive markers more than even stagnant rats, while rats that choose when to run show reduced stress and improved cognitive function.

Take inventory yourself — how do you feel when you try really hard to have fun? To have good sex!?

It's kind of like my old favorite past-time, rushing to relax 🤪.

One of most helpful meditation instructions I’ve received over the years comes through Sayadaw U Tejaniya, a Theravadin Buddhist monk of Chinese descent who teaches in Myanmar: “Check the motivation.”

You know, before waking up, the Buddha had spent six ardous years forcing it. He achieved wonderful states with his eyes closed. And then when he opened them, eventually suffering — the states he was entereing were temporary and didn’t provide permanent relief from suffering. In fact, he nearly died from the extreme ascetic practices he was undertaking during this time and ultimately realized they brought him more dukkha — just like the modern scientists discovered with the rats who were forced to run. This prompted Siddhartha to ask, “might there be another way?” Thus, the famous Middle Way was born, which popularized what we now know as mindfulness meditation.

Ready to release the pressure on yourself?

It’s important to know that there will likely be a lull before motivation to do “healthy" things is pure, while you rest from perhaps decades of forcing it…and that's totally okay.

Now, I’m not advocating you cold-turkey quit exercising, either…that’d be a little abrupt, too. Can you soften up a bit? Let yourself miss a day here and there? Not push yourself so hard on a workout? Quietly hold an intention of practicing from a place of love?

Maybe instead of rushing to forgive someone, you can hold an intention to forgive?

Practice this, and one day, you might find yourself motivated to exercise, meditate, or forgive from a wholesome place. This is where all the benefits blossom, like for the rats who can choose when to run and when to rest.

See, the key is as much in the how as it is in the what.

It’s the same with food and sleep — when and how we eat and sleep is just about as important as what we eat and how long we sleep. We want to aim for consistent schedules in sleeping and eating, starting eating at least a couple hours after waking and finishing a few hours before sleeping. If we’re rushing and tense while we eat, we’re not going to absorb all the goodies from our healthy food.

A personal story…

For years, I batched administrative tasks for Mondays. And for years, I dreaded Mondays…was tense on Mondays…was exhausted Monday nights.

More recently, I've finally begun feeling safe enough to allow myself to use all this stuff I teach for my own benefit when I'm alone with my list of things to do (my own Mt. Everest). Allowing myself to pause in the middle of the day on Monday, to lay on my back on the couch with a hot pack on my chest and breathe. To do something fun before I start the things. To take little breaks to step outside, play with Barkley, and jump around for a few minutes. To do something nice for myself after. To prioritize and not finish all the tasks on the list. To plan fewer things to do on Mondays, spreading them out over the week. To be softer, gentler, kinder with myself. Through practicing this on other days of the week, teaching myself that it's okay to put myself before the tasks, that my needs are valid. And to prioritize others, seeing the bigger picture.

And it's been so relieving!

It's taken a minute to arrive here, and that was one of the most difficult parts — knowing this possibility, and not yet feeling ready for it in my bones. And practicing lots of compassion for myself along the way.

So, how do you get started?

One of the simplest, most helpful, practical exercises I've come up with is for when you're talking with someone — do you ever notice yourself talking a lot…really fast…anxiously…almost running out of air…wanting to get it all in…while you've still got the mic, maybe scared there's not time?

If so, practice speaking between breathing instead of breathing between speaking. Make your priority be your breath and ease. As there's space to fit in some words, add some words. When you need to breathe, stop talking to breathe 😤.

See how this goes for you. I recommend practicing with someone who also practices mindfulness, maybe even announcing you're doing this, asking for space and that they listen and wait to speak until you signal. This is a wonderful way to internalize a new, healthy stance — that you’re safe, that there’s no rush, that your needs, no matter how “small”, are valid.

As you learn to engage with yourself in this way, you’ll bring it to all areas of life — decision-making, relationships, your career. It lightens the load and will bring you a lot more of that success you’re seeking.