I Choose Love. I Choose Living.

"I choose love. I choose living."

Lost in the depths of hell amidst a recent Ayahuasca journey, I began to discover another way. I'd often heard about this so-called "choice" before, yet it never previously felt like a choice…at least one that I had the tools to make.

The path I'd been traveling was dark and ominous. Beginning to feel overwhelmed, my Buddhist meditation practice kicked in — awareness shifted to the breath, and I started allowing the nightmare to play out.

Almost as soon as I made the adjustment, in the distance appeared a pinprick of light. Like a moth to a lantern, to call it a choice to pursue at that point doesn't do justice to the automatic, instinctual attraction I felt. I wasn't sure where it was leading. And I knew I wanted to, had to, move towards it.

As I navigated towards the brightness, this new path gradually began to appear. It slowly became wider and more clear, overlaying the increasingly narrow, slippery, dark trails that led back down into the depths of the cold, damp cave from which I was emerging. I saw those descending paths transition real-time from being the primary way to the detours.

I was grateful to feel the comfort of the ego as it slowly came back online, and with each step forward, my trust grew in this new moment-by-moment choice I was now consciously making to follow the light.

Somewhere along the way, the curandero verbally asked me how I was doing. The only words I could muster: "I choose love. I choose living."

Many icaros, medicine songs, are decorated with verses like, "Ayahuasca cura...cura medicina." A translation is, "Ayahuasca heals…medicine cures." The choice in language is clear. Having sat through 18 ceremonies in the last 9 months, culminating with a 2-week Bobinsana dieta in Peru, I can only say this is nothing short of pure magic.

And it isn't something to be treated lightly, conquered, checked off a list, or appropriated. The medicine deserves utmost respect and commitment. It's not for the faint of body, heart, or mind.

As plant medicine and pursuing an "ego death" (ironically enough, just another perverted expression of the ego) become increasingly trendy, it feels important to make these points...

I'd also like to clear up any fantasies of this path being unicorns and rainbows...do you remember being sick as a kid? And knowing there's medicine that'll help? But it was so unpleasant you weren't sure if you wanted to take it? So you had to take some time to muster the courage? Ayahuasca is like that, times a million...

I've experienced healings on physical, emotional, and spiritual levels with plant medicine. The results are clear. The process…words can’t do it justice — a mass in my intestines dislodged after several years; I've touched death and better learned to be with my deepest fears; and I’ve experienced a profound spiritual awakening.

Most times I hear accounts like this, I chalk them up to spiritual materialism. I used to throw the baby out with the bathwater. And then there was a shift a few years ago that allowed me to sift thru the noise and more deeply explore the natural medicine world.

My history in therapy and meditation, and connections with nature and Latin America, have been utmost supports and are increasingly coming into focus. Skillfully combined, all these build off one another. And it's easy to see how one can be led astray welding such natural power, especially if lacking a strong compass.

My advice for anyone curious about Ayahuasca — don’t force it or take the medicine from just anybody. In my experience, the curandero is as, if not more, important than the tea. Receiving medicine from someone is an energy transfer — ask yourself, do I want this person’s energy? I only trust indigenous and longtime indigenous-trained practitioners I’m referred to who walk the same medicine path they serve. And since it's easy to confuse the power of the medicine with the skill of the practitioner, I always leave the final check to my gut.

If you do decide to pursue this (or any spiritual) path, please do so with the purest of intentions and care, and then you and the world will be better for it 🙏🏻.